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My manager and two other men entered my hotel room in the middle of the night.I had no clue what time it was, but often in modeling you get up at the crack of dawn (or before) for hair and makeup.
Upon arriving in Scottsdale, I had this overwhelming feeling that I was 19 and living the dream.I remember thinking, Returning home from Scottsdale, I had to face people, yet I didn’t want anyone to know what happened to me.I thought if I told someone they would blame me, stop loving me, stop being my friends and stop seeing me as the same Jillian.Suddenly, modeling was presented to me again, and I was ready to do whatever I needed to make that happen.I knew I needed representation, but didn’t know where to start.I was the overachieving high school student who made straight As.
I knew I was intelligent, a good person, and capable of anything I set my mind to, but I wanted an adult to see that, particularly my mother, who was caught up in a black hole of alcohol and drugs.
Desperately seeking caring and acceptance, I never received the love and affirmation I truly desired from her.
Thus I set out to prove myself through grades and achievements.
I felt dirty, I was physically hurt but even more so I was emotionally broken.
The denial, the hate, the shame, embarrassment, self-blame, the realization of vulnerability were all consuming my mind.
I decided I would take that time in Scottsdale to my grave.